Lately

I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster lately. I have some good days and some bad days. I have days where I want to crawl into bed and days where I want to go skydiving. I know everyone has these days and I just want to know what they do. I listen to music and try to stay calm. I try to relax and close my eyes. I like to sit back in my chair with my coffee and just take a moment to breathe. Sometimes, I think as Americans, we forget to breathe. I hear about all these other places and cultures who take time to relax, they don't feel like they are in a rush every day and every minute, and they breathe. Maybe I should go to a monk monastery for a while and learn to breathe and relax. =) If only it were that easy.
I felt the feeling of anxiety for the first time in February. That was a crazy feeling. I thought I was having a panic attack or a heart attack. I feel so bad for people who have that often. I know my life isn't falling a part... it is just changing... a new chapter. I need to start thinking positive. I need to be open and mindful of others. I know there are a lot of other people going through hard times and I want to be there for them, no matter what is going on in my life.
Thank you for the people who have been there for me and no matter how much I try to push them out, they show me that I am still "very MUCH loved". You are truly amazing and such a blessing to me. I know I will get through this.

I will try smiling today. A real smile and not a fake one. =)

Psalms 73

Yes, while reading Psalms 19-22 I just stopped at the end of 22 and flipped to chapter 73 to read for some reason. As I was reading it, my heart just dropped. Verses 21-28 really got to me.
21Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind.
22So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
23Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
24Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
27For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee.
28But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

Why is it so difficult to put trust in God? Is it because we can't feel him physically? Is that why I have a hard time? Why can't I have that relationship that my mom always talks about? Lord, help me to reach out to you.

Psalms 18

1-3 "I will love you, O Lord, my strength. 2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 3 I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies."

Honestly, I just want to cut everyone off right now. I just want to drown in my tears and close my door. I don't want anyone to check on me and I don't want anyone to care. I just want to feel numb... if I don't feel at all I don't have to feel this pain. God, I need you to give me strength. I need you to help me get through this. I need you Lord. I can't keep putting up this fake act.
I know I have two boys who are counting on me. Whenever I see their face, all the pain goes away. For that time, I know I can get through the day. Lord help me. Please

Psalms 11-16

11:1 "In the Lord I put my trust;" 13:3 "Consider and hear me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes,...5 But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." 16:1 "Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust."

This week has been hard and it is only Monday. =) I guess I should say weekend. Saturday my mom left back to Washington and I had a little "encounter" with Julius. Then Sunday was nice but ended pretty sad. Now today, even though I was busy and on the go, I find that I can't get this lump out of my throat. Actually, it is in my chest, and in my heart, and in my mind, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I recently gave advice on making decisions and right choices. Ironic, right? I know no one ever makes all the right choices... but we must try, yes? I had to make a really hard choice... in fact, many hard choices. They leave me sad and lonely, but in the end it is the right choice. ? . I wonder... how do we really know? How can we make sure that this choice will lead to happiness in the future? We don't. We have no idea what our future holds from next year, next month, not even in the next 10 minutes. We can assume or guess... but we never know for sure. So we make decisions... choices that can lead us down one path or the other. How do we make these choices? Psalms is telling me that we need to trust God.

Why in the world is this so hard?! Why can't I just say, God, here... I don't know what to do so please make the decision for me. Thanks! I am done trying to make decisions on my own. I am really going to pray and seek what the Lord wants me to do. Even when it is the hardest, most difficult, most heart-breaking decision... I just pray it is the right one God wants me to make. I also pray that He will help me get through the day.

Lord, you know my heart. You know my heartache. You know my long nights and my tears that reach my pillow. I pray that you heal me and those broken around me. I pray that you lead me down the right path. I pray you take me on the journey that leads to righteousness and happiness. I pray that I grow closer to you and continue to long for your friendship and love. Please forgive me for trying to do everything on my own. Forgive me for trying to take my life in my own hands and being so hard and cold to those around me. I thank you for all you do. In Jesus name, Amen.

Song of the week: Glad You Came-The Wanted
This song has been on repeat and has been in my head... "My universe will never be the same."

Happy Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday to my Julius! I love this kid so much. He has so much energy, life, happiness, and always has a smile on his face. I love when he comes up to me and says, "mom, i love you" and gives me a big hug and kiss. Then I see him go over to Justus and do the same thing. He simply melts my heart and I am so glad I was able to give him the birthday of his life.

These pictures are from the party we threw for him at daycare.... Then I will add more pictures from his birthday party at Royal Jumps Inflatables later.


This is what he wanted to wear to school for his birthday. =)


This is the cake and balloons PJ and I surprised him with at his daycare! =) As soon as he saw the Flounder, he tried to grab it. lol

Psalms 8-10

After reading these chapters, I realized I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry out. I know that God is there for me and we should call on His name... but I am tired and weary. I am exhausted of explaining everything and trying to do what's right from wrong. Whose opinion is it for right and wrong? Why to one person is something wrong but to another, that wrong is something right or they see nothing wrong in it? Why is this world so confusing and empty? How do we just find happiness? Today my heart longs for answers. I guess I am also looking for the easy way. So many times I just want to shut everything out. I want to close my door to everyone that comes to it. I want to shut down and live my own life. I want to get away from everyone and their opinions and "advice". Who are they to tell me what I should be doing or how I should live my life? I am assuming it is God who is trying to get to me and he uses the people around me... but often I feel broken and run over. Is that how I should be feeling? The ones who give me these talks, who gives them their talks? Who tells them about their life? Today is all over the place. My emotions are everywhere... one day, the answers will come.

Psalms 4-7 Weekend!

These chapters have been on my heart the whole weekend. 4:1 "Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer. 5:3 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up. 6:2 Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed. 4 Return, O Lord, deliver my soul: oh save me for they mercies' sake. 6 I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with tears. 9 The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer. 7:1 O Lord my God, in thee do I put my turst: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me: 17 I will praise the Lord according to his righteousness: and will sing praise to the name of the Lord most high."

This weekend was really hard for me because I had Julius' birthday and then a surprise visit from my mom. I am so lucky to have her here; yes, but at the same time, I have such a hard time with her. I pray that God will give me the patience and strength to get through this week. Lord, I know you hear my every thought and word. I pray that you deliver me from my own self... deliver me from what I am familiar with and help me to be renewed by your Spirit. I want to be that happy woman again. I want to be confident and secure. Lord, be with me through this troubled time.

Songs of the Day: Your Name by The Swift
Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew
Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars


P.S. Thanks to my sweet neice Taryn for reading my thoughts and prayers. I love you so much and appreciate your every word and of course that smile. =) Love you!

Psalms 3

I really needed this book today. I woke up different and not ready for the day, but once I opened my Bible, God knew this is what I needed to hear.
3 "But you, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. 4 I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill." I don't even need to explain what this means to me. 6 "I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around."
Lord, you hear my cries and my heart. You know what I need and strive for. You are always there and you comfort me. Thank you God for being my rock to stand on. Thank you God for keeping me going every day. Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness.

Psalms 2

8"Ask of Me, and I will give You the nations for your inheritance, and the ends of the earth for your possessions. 10 Now therefore, be wise, O kings; Be instructed,... 11 Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling. 12...Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him."
I know I have always had to put my trust in Him, but I never did. I battle so much with trying to do things my way or trusting what I think is right for me. I struggle with giving that up to God yet I give it so easily to others. I let people around me control what I do, what I say, who I can and cannot talk to... I go back and forth about who I should make happy and who can make me happy. But really, it is God I should be pleasing. I know that if I turn to God and really trust Him with my heart and my life, He will bless me. He will rejoice. I need to serve Him and only Him right now. I am tired of being dormant and incompliant to Christ. I know that I have broken hearts and really hurt people and for that, I am truly sorry. Although, I am mostly sorry for breaking my Father in Heaven's heart. How many times was I at the altar telling you I am ready to change, I am ready to turn my life around, I am ready to put you first... yet I never did. I am ready to take that step. I know it is going to be a long and hard road, but Lord, I want to put you first.
It is necessary for us to suffer to draw closer to God... I know this now. I heard a pastor once say, God's work of art includes many colors-both dark and bright; therefore, our lives include both dark and bright times. We still need to turn to Him through all times and that is what I am ready to do. I know that I shouldn't run from Him during time of distress but to rejoice because it is time for refinement. 1 Peter 1:7 says "that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ." I will be tested by fire over and over again, but I will become precious and pure as gold when He is done with me.

I need to trust God during my time of distress... this will help my roots grow strong in the Lord and He will continue to be by my side.
Lord, please forgive me for not coming to you sooner. Please forgive me for trying to take life into my own hands. I am drowning without you. Please help me to be the daughter you want me to be. I am crying out to you Lord to accept my hand and to teach me and hold me. Thank you for never turning away from me or abandoning me. I love you Lord and I know there is hope for me. Thank you for your mercy, grace, and healing. In Jesus name, Amen.

Song of the day: Third Day: Cry out to Jesus

Psalms 1

1 "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly..." Well, I think God is saying good morning to me. I have made a decision that I need to get back in the Word. I have realized that I am not the girl I used to be and I need help. I need God's help. It's funny because I always hear the Pastor talking about witnessing and telling people, "that thing you are missing and longing for is Christ". I have spent the past year thinking about what is wrong with me. I have been unhappy and have blaming it on all kinds of things... but the truth is, I don't have a relationship with God and that's what makes me unhappy. The only thing I can do is make an effort to reach out my hand to Him. Why have I been so blind to not see it before? Why was it so hard for me to rely on God?

3 "He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper." I want to be like this tree that will grow and prosper. I want to grow with Christ and teach my boys to grow in Christ and to know that God is always by their side. I want to be planted by the rivers of water, not out in the desert trying to get every last drop of water. I don't want to dry out. I want to grow luscious green with fresh fruit and roots that are healthy and strong. I want to be strong to put away my childish acts and to focus on Christ.

6 "For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly shall perish." I want the Lord to know me. I want Him to bless my life and those that are a part of it. I want Christ to show me His unconditional and everlasting love. I want to feel His arms wrapped around me to keep me safe and to warm my heart. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to feel ungodly. I don't want to perish. I know that one day I will be with Christ and will have to answer to Him. I don't want to feel guilty or unworthy when I see His face.

Lord, please forgive my ungodly actions. Please open my heart to love you and open my eyes to see you. I have been gripping my heart so hard and so close saying that I will protect it.... but I need to offer it up to you. I trust you oh Lord. please, take this sadness from me.